Client story - Linda

Please be aware this story contains details of a deeply personal experience which some people may find triggering. We are here to listen if you need our support.

For decades, Linda lived with the devastating emotional pain of being sexually abused throughout her childhood and teenage years.

Almost fifty years after the abuse first took place, she no longer wanted to live with the scars of shame, guilt, and anger. Feeling ready to speak out, Linda contacted Sue Lambert Trust for our specialist support. Support which she says completely changed her outlook on life and empowered her to take back control.

Here Linda courageously shares her personal story.

“From a very young age, I was sexually abused by my father, and it happened repeatedly throughout my childhood, right up until I was 15.

“I believe it began when I was a small baby. I still have flashbacks of lying on a rug with the distinct smell of our open fire in the air around me. That smell is still an instant trigger for me, and, to this day, I cannot bear to be in a room where there’s an open fire.

“It never really made sense to me, but when I started my therapy at Sue Lambert Trust, and began sharing these memories and flashbacks, through the support of my counsellor I realised that memories and flashbacks may stem from a very early traumatic memory. Everything started to piece together.

“I suffered at the hands of my father’s manipulative behavior and abuse throughout my childhood. When I was 13 years old, he controlled my life completely. He wouldn’t let me go to school, and my mum was kicked out of our family home. All the time, he was sexually abusing me.

“I was forced to take on the role of a mother and looking after the home. I didn’t get an education and gained no formal qualifications.  Instead, my childhood was spent cooking and cleaning, and I wasn’t allowed to speak to anyone. I was powerless, desperately shy, and cut off from the world; he controlled absolutely everything in my life.

“I escaped home at 16 and the truth finally came out when I was 19. The authorities became aware of what was happening at home, but no charges were ever brought against my father.  It was such a different time back then, and my word against his. Mum denied that she ever knew it was happening, but I think she was just too terrified to speak out.

“Blaming myself for what had happened, I felt intense anger for what went on. Years on, and that anger never went away, and my temper would boil over, impacting my adult life and relationships.  For so many years I carried this tangled mix of anger, shame and confusion, emotions which I have found incredibly hard to deal with.

“I married a wonderful man, who has supported me and listened to me. He knows what I went through.  But at home, my emotions would get the better of me, and I would erupt at the tiniest thing. Something as simple as a dirty teaspoon dropping onto the kitchen floor would trigger an angry outburst and I couldn’t predict or manage my reactions. I’d been prescribed medication to help with anxiety and depression, but I really needed specialist help to understand and manage those moments when I’d spiral. It wasn’t really me.

“At 53, I knew it was time to get help and talk to a professional about the past and to speak my truth. I needed someone who would listen to me without judgement, believe me, and help me to understand.

“I’d tried different forms of counselling before, but never felt comfortable speaking about my experience of sexual abuse as a child and a teenager. But all that changed when I did some research and found Sue Lambert Trust.

“Because the charity specialises in working with people who have been sexually abused, or those who have experienced rape or sexual violence, I trusted them and instantly felt at ease. It was a safe space where, finally, I could confront the past.

“At the first appointment with my Sue Lambert Trust counsellor, we talked and talked and talked. All these thoughts, all these memories, came hurtling out of me, and over the course of my therapy, my counsellor helped me to see life in a very different way. At every session, I felt so normal. There was no pressure to say anything, and I could sit in silence if that’s what I needed. The counsellors are so kind and understanding.

“For too many years, I thought the abuse I experienced was all my fault.  But I was a child.  I told my counsellor things I’ve never told anyone else, he didn’t judge me, and he understood. Talking to a professional, I felt so safe, and shared everything I’d been through. Having had this specialist support, I am a totally different person now.

“Now, I don’t have angry outbursts, not like I used to. My husband has noticed a huge difference and my entire outlook on life has changed.

“When your therapy finishes, Sue Lambert Trust still cares, they’re still there for you.  Although my therapy sessions have finished, I still go to the women’s peer support group, because I know it’s a safe space where survivors come together to share their experiences and be there for each other. I’ve spoken about my story in these groups, knowing everyone there understands.

“Having the Sue Lambert Trust support wrapped around me gives me the reassurance that I am never alone. If I’m triggered, or when difficult feelings arise, I can always access the women’s group – they are always there. If you’re having a terrible time, you can go to the groups, or join an online session, and talk to someone who gets it, and really understands.

“Before, I felt like I was on my own. Now, I have people in my life who support and understand me. And I know that what happened to me doesn’t need to have a grip on my life anymore. I have broken free.

“After my 1-2-1 support had ended, I felt so strong and empowered that I was able to speak to my father, face to face, and confront him.  I told him straight how the abuse was wrong, how he’d ruined so many years of my life, and that he hadn’t got away with it.  He’s an old man now, but I wanted him to see I was in control of my life – not him.

“I’d been living in the shadows of his abuse for too long. We lived in the same city, and I would hide away if I thought I spotted a man that looked like him. But after the therapy, I felt so much stronger. I told him the truth – he was an abuser. That’s the last time I saw him. It was a very powerful moment for me.

“For too many years, he’d made me feel dirty, shameful, ashamed, and guilty. That’s not okay.  I don’t feel that way anymore. I’m no longer scared.

“If anyone reading this has lived through sexual abuse too, please take it from me, that it doesn’t matter if it happened to you a year ago or like me, 50 years ago, it is never too late to talk. There are people who can help you. They will understand, you’ve just got to reach out to them.

“Sexual abuse is not the taboo topic it was when I was younger. No-one talked about it back then, but now, it’s okay to break your silence, it’s okay to ask for help, and it’s okay to get specialist support to help you heal. I am so thankful for Sue Lambert Trust and for my counsellor – they’ve helped me to see life in a very different way.

“I encourage anyone like me to seek out specialist support, and to talk. You deserve to be happy.”