Client story - Amanda

Please be aware, the following includes references to childhood sexual abuse, self-harm and suicide.  If you need to talk, we are here to listen. 

Amanda contacted Sue Lambert Trust after battling with severe poor mental health, self-harm and suicidal thoughts for years and years as she continued to live with the devastating emotional scars of being sexually abused by her father as a young child.

She says the support received from Sue Lambert Trust has been life changing.

Here, Amanda shares her story.

I wouldn’t still be here to this day if it wasn’t for the support I had from Sue Lambert Trust, their counselling changed my mindset about what happened to me and today I am a stronger, better person for it.

Before I reached out and asked for their help, my life was falling apart.  All because of the trauma I had suffered.

Life hadn’t always been like that.

For 15 years, I’d had a good career in account management and insurance, but I now understand I had been masking for all those years.

When events resurfaced and I was once again confronted with what my dad had done to me – sexually abusing me throughout childhood, from the age of 11 – my mental health took a serious dive

He was going to court. And I was reliving my trauma.

Back as a young girl, in my own home, what started as heavy petting, and kissing, soon turned to full intercourse. And he did that to me, every week of my life, for four years. I was a young teenager. It should never have happened.  It wasn’t until I was in my 30’s that I told someone.  When I disclosed and spoke out for the very first time – I was believed.

After a long and intense process with the ensuing police investigation, in 2019 my father was taken to court. Found guilty on 15 counts of sexual abuse, he was sentenced to 20 years in prison and will be on the sex offenders’ list for life. While he might be behind bars, my trauma is not shut away.  I live with it every, single, day. But because Sue Lambert Trust have been by my side, I know I can live a happy, fulfilling life. I deserve that, and I am worthy of a bright and happy future.

The difference today is that I now have the power and the knowledge to handle what happened to me, to understand my trauma, and to live life on my terms, and it was Sue Lambert Trust that helped me to get there.

When the conviction came, I felt a sense of relief. Relief that I had been believed, and that justice had been served. But also, a wave of the most painful memories and emotions came crashing down.  And the overriding feeling was intense shame. Shame which I now understand is not mine to hold. It was never my fault.

Throughout the investigation, I turned to alcohol and self-harm as coping mechanisms, and I tried to take my own life on more than one occasion. But I had a reason to keep going, and for myself, and my son, I knew life could no longer go on like this.

Seeking help, my GP referred me to the mental health charity Mind, who, after hearing about the sexual abuse I had suffered, quickly recognised that I needed to speak to someone who was a trained specialist – a therapist who had very specific knowledge and expertise in this area, and knew how to support a victim of sexual abuse.  And that’s when they signposted me to Sue Lambert Trust. They understood instantly that the self-harming, depression and alcohol abuse were all symptomatic of the abuse that I had suffered.

It is deeply traumatic and painful facing what has happened to you as a child and reliving it all over again.  But before and after the court case, Sue Lambert Trust were constantly there for me.  They were there – at my very darkest times, to help me through the court case and when I came through the other side of it too.

The charity soon understood the complexity of my case, and they matched me with a senior counsellor; someone with the skills, knowledge and specialist training to see me, every week, for a whole year. From that first one-to-one counselling session, life started to change, and what followed was transformative, giving me an enormous sense of empowerment. Because of this therapy, I now fully understand that the sexual abuse that happened to me was never my fault.

For decades, I had lived with a constant feeling of shame from the cycle of abuse that had stained my teenage years. I wanted to punish myself, with self-harm, alcohol, and couldn’t see any hope for my future.  Today, since completing my course of counselling, life has changed. And I see a future again.

It’s not just the work in the therapy room that makes a huge difference, but it’s every interaction with the charity – from the way you are treated as a person when you first pick up the phone and walk through the charity’s doors. Everyone I have ever spoken to or met at Sue Lambert Trust has treated me with nothing but kindness, respect and care. From the very first telephone call, they put my mind instantly at ease. At the first meeting, I had never felt so nervous. But they were so lovely towards me, and everything was so gentle and relaxed, that this wave of shame just dissolved.

I have never experienced kindness like it.  My counsellor was always kind.  It took a while to get used to being treated this way, it wasn’t something I had ever encountered before or knew how to receive. I wasn’t familiar with someone being kind to me, it wasn’t something I was used to at all, and it took a while to accept it.  But once I let the kindness in, I started to heal.

And they’ve given me the most priceless gift of all – I’ve got myself back. For so many years, I had lost all sight of who I was and the qualities I had to offer the world. The sexual abuse I had been through left me with self-hatred, lack of self-worth, and intense feelings of shame.

Sexual abuse makes you feel completely degraded, and your mind tells you that you don’t fit into society, that you’re simply not good enough. None of this is true, of course, but you start to believe it. It takes specialist, professional counselling and support to turn that tide, and for survivors to start believing in and loving themselves again.

Before my counselling, my self-esteem was as low as it could go. I’d given myself the label of an ‘abused woman’ and that’s all I thought I was, nothing more. But Sue Lambert Trust gave me permission to start thinking about me again, what I could do for myself, and think about what I wanted from my life and what I could offer the world. Throughout the year-long programme of one-to-one counselling, they gave me my life back, they put the power back into my hands, and for that, I am forever grateful.

It was really difficult and intense going through this therapy. Of course, I won’t pretend it was easy. But while the weekly sessions were always tough, I would look forward to going.  Each time, gently rebuilding and taking another step forwards. Because for things to get easier, you must go through the hard stuff.

Sue Lambert Trust and their team have helped me to see myself as the woman that I truly am today – a clever, intelligent, articulate, powerful, brave and courageous person. They are the labels I use for myself now.

Their support has been life-changing, and if it hadn’t been available, I might not be here today to share my story with you. The charity rescued me, emotionally and physically, and I no longer feel ashamed of myself anymore.

My advice to anyone thinking about reaching out to get support from Sue Lambert Trust is to do it.

Sexual abuse and sexual violence impacts on so many lives. More than you may realise. It destroys people, and the scars never go away. But with professional counselling, people can come back from it and they deserve to do so.

Rape and sexual abuse victims should never feel fear or shame. They have suffered enough. When they speak out, support must be available.

If you too are a survivor and continue to struggle, please, speak out. You deserve to be happy. I know from my own experience, that the sooner you speak out, get support, and start to heal – the sooner you can start living the life you are worthy of.

• Amanda now serves as a Trustee at Sue Lambert Trust.