Client story - Jess

Please be aware this story contains details of a deeply personal experience which some people may find triggering. We are here to listen if you need our support.

Jess lived with the mental trauma of her abusive marriage for decades before one day a physical reaction made her reach out for support. Enough was enough.

Here Jess tells us about her experience of abuse, challenges she faced after the marriage ended, and how the support from Sue Lambert Trust finally gave her a safe space to open up for the first time, start to confront the past, and begin to heal.

“Flashbacks. I had learnt to live with them. They had just become part of me. That was until one day, a particularly severe episode completely stopped me in my tracks.  It was a sign that I could no longer continue living with the emotional pain and scars of the abuse, and the trauma I was battling to cope with, every day.

“Until that day, I was continuing with my life as best I could. And I thought I had been coping well, but my body decided to tell me otherwise.  For years and years, I had been working so hard to bury my feelings; carrying on as if I were completely fine.  Of course, I wasn’t.

“These flashbacks had been happening for years and years, and I’ve convinced myself it was okay – I could live with it.

“The episodes were the result of 17 years of emotional, physical, and mental abuse. My marriage throughout the 1980’s and 1990’s had been abusive. And although it had ended, I had managed to escape and get divorced, yet the pain and torture of that time had not left me.

“I had moved on in life, had a successful job, and was living independently. Quite happily, I thought. But my body didn’t think so. It was time to get help.

“The day it happened was a normal day. I was walking home from work, along a familiar route, and there was nothing unusual or different that triggered me or caused what happened next, to happen. It just came from nowhere.  A severe and terrifying flashback just stopped me dead in my tracks. Panic set in, and I couldn’t move or breathe.

“I was physically stuck and in the grips of fear.  But I knew I had to get myself home to safety.  I fathomed that the only way to make the rest of my journey was to walk slowly, counting every single brick on the wall, each one symbolising a step closer to safety. One by one, the wall held me up and guided me home as I was crumbling.

“It worked, and eventually, I arrived home, safe. Safe but feeling very alone, and scared.  What had just happened? All the emotions came flooding out.  And I started reliving my abusive past in my head, over and over again.  Something inside me snapped, and it was the moment I realised that I do not have to put up with this anymore. This doesn’t have to be my life. I have a choice, and I want to take back control and get my future back.

“I couldn’t bear the thought of growing older, still terrified, still paralysed by panic attacks, still prevented from going out and living the life I wanted.  I pictured myself in my living room, alone with my thoughts and having these horrendous, terrifying flashbacks until old age. That wasn’t the future I wanted, so  I decided in that moment that enough was enough.  I didn’t want to experience these feelings anymore.

“Enough of my life had been snatched from me.  And although the abuse was a long time ago now, the devastating impact had never left me.  This couldn’t go on.

“So, I did some research and found Sue Lambert Trust.

“And from that day on, my life really did start to change.

“I called up and explained my situation, and the person on the other end of the phone just listened, taking in my every word. With kindness, they explained that I would have an assessment, and they would keep in touch. There was a waiting list, they explained, honestly, but I’d receive a call from Sue Lambert Trust once a week to check in. And they stayed true to their word.

“They took the time to really get to know me as a person. And after understanding how much of a detail person I am, and someone who loves to research, and is fascinated by human psychology and the brain, they recommended lots of books for me to read.   It was important to me that I could learn more about the impact of my abuse, and how it was affecting me psychologically. Knowledge, to me, is power.

“Then, one day, I received a call to say a counselling space was available. The news I wanted to hear, didn’t want, all in one call.

“Immediately, I felt scared and nervous, and questioned whether I want to go through with it, could I face the pain of reliving my abuse all over again and open myself up to a stranger?

“But a good friend held my hand and said “come on, you’ve made this decision, it’s taken years and years to feel ready to talk. Go for it.”  So, with her love and support, I did.

“My counsellor was incredible. So kind, and understanding, and just amazing from day one.

“The support and therapy I received at Sue Lambert Trust truly opened my world, and I felt instantly at ease and comfortable in their care, as I shared my experiences. I don’t know where I’d be today without my counsellor and am so thankful to have had their support.

“It was difficult, of course. We spoke about the nightmares that had haunted me for years, the night terrors, and constant feelings of threat.  The abuse I had suffered from my ex-husband, especially the mental abuse, had been horrendous.

“But I always felt safe and secure with my counsellor, and it was the first time I felt truly heard.  I could fully open up about everything that had happened in my life and had someone in the room with me who understood, who heard me and who believed me.

“For the first time in my life, I spoke freely. Before walking into the Sue Lambert trust counselling room, I had been so closed off. I’d never let my walls down, as a way of protecting myself, and I had been mentally suffering alone, in silence. No-one knew what I had been through because I felt ashamed. I’d kept it all to myself.

“In our sessions, I spoke about my early life too and realised I had been raised as a child in a mentally abusive family. I revisited repressed experiences and talked about certain images that I carried in my mind. Everything started to piece together; and makes sense – all my relationships, as a child and as an adult, had been abusive.

“It was an incredibly sad realisation, as I spoke about early memories with my father. And she simply said, ‘I believe you.’ That was so powerful to hear.  Repressing events from my childhood and disassociating myself from what had happened, I was finally able to piece it altogether, and realise my Mother was complicit. I found it all incredibly hard.

“But after going through counselling, I had been taught different tools to help me cope, and to live a better life. My life today is happy and so very different.

“Before, I felt so shameful of everything that had happened to me, but I now know, confidently, that none of it was ever my fault.   I always knew it was not acceptable, but now I am free of any feelings of guilt.”

“And people around me have noticed the difference too. Those who love and support me say I’m a different person now.  My defences have come down, I’m more open and I don’t feel ashamed. Before I felt like I needed to always put on a persona, an act, pretending everything was fine.

“Today; I’m free.  I feel more me, the proper me, the person I was meant to be – loving, kind, caring and happy.

“My hope is that by sharing my story, others in a situation like mine will feel less alone too.  The experience of abuse is horrendous, but there is hope and there is the possibility of healing, and I was able to achieve that with the support of Sue Lambert Trust.

“Without them, I think I would be severely mentally unwell. The flashback I had that day was the sign that I was edging towards a very dark, frightening place, and I am so grateful I had the charity to reach out to and change the direction of my life.

“If you feel ready to talk, and to heal, please contact Sue Lambert Trust.  It’s such a safe place where they match you with the right counsellor for you and listen, with kindness, to everything.  Healing doesn’t happen overnight, but it worked for me. And now, I can see a much brighter, lighter, happier and hopeful future ahead of me.”